and then there was today...

Things are starting to come full circle already. We're starting to pass the 1 year milestones, conception (with the twins I know the exact day) and today--my birthday--the day I found out I was pregnant. These milestones are all bittersweet in their own ways. And it certainly gets me to thinking about how things will be next time.

If you’ve bothered to ask, you would know that we started trying again as soon as we were able—I think it was February. And, if you’ve bothered to ask, we’re still NOT pregnant. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t think I’m stressed which was always my answer before, and I’ve followed all my rules for getting pregnant, so I guess we’ll just have to wait until the time is right and hope that it just happens. I have decided that there will be no more pregnancy tests. I’m just going to figure it out. I’ll just get to a point where I will know. I’m sure a toilet will be involved.

So I know what you’re thinking. What if it happens again? I’m wondering the same thing too. Here’s the deal with stillbirth, the chance of having it happen again is greater than if it had never happened at all. Still I’m going to assume that next time there will be one baby and that we’re going to be pushing those odds close to zero and assume that the twins’ stillbirth was partly to due with the fact that they were twins.

Finding out you’re pregnant should be a happy time, but I know myself. As soon as I find out, I will be on high alert. Watching and waiting for something to go wrong, scared that something is wrong, even if there isn’t. Because there weren’t any signs before the twins stopped kicking- it just all came out of nowhere. I’m sure all those thoughts normal.

But I know I won’t be ready to verbally announce a name (or even talk to D about picking one), stock the nursery, or send out a Christmas card again until after the baby is born. I don’t want to jinx it—especially since last year's Christmas cards literally arrived in mailboxes the day the twins were born.

I’ll do my best to enjoy it and remind myself that now I know what uncertainty feels like and that I have more information than I had before (plus the doctors also know about my history now that I’ve had it happen).

But I’m not gonna lie. I’m going to be petrified. There will be lots of tears and sleepless nights I’m sure.

My doctor advised that she would probably induce me at 38 weeks next time, since late term stillbirths are the most common. I am NOT a fan of induction—all naturale baby, but I’m ok with that—this time. Anything for a healthy baby. A healthy, living, breathing baby.

And if you want to when that next time is, better stay tuned right here, because this will probably be the first public announcement. Next time I'm going to be a lot more cautious. I won't be announcing it at a mere 5 weeks like last time. I would like to wait as long as physically possible-- I don't know how long I’ll be able to wait, especially since I'm all good and stretched out now. But don't be surprised if I don't tell the entire world until we know the gender. I will have to write about it though--tell you how miserably sick I am and all...

Two things:

Does anyone have a better name for this blog? I need a good one.
Did I mention my cousin is having her twin boys today? Let's not talk about it. Seriously.