Talk about it

I don't want to talk about it, because I don't want you to see me cry.
I want you to talk about it, because I am afraid you will forget.

Guilt

**I forgot I wrote a couple of posts, so that's why you're starting to see them again..time to click that publish button **

I do a lot of wishing I could turn back the clock. Maybe we can just rewind to October or so and do the rest of the year over again. Truth be told, I wasn't exactly over the moon excited about the prospect of having twins--well, I was when we first found out--you get that rush of adrenaline that just puts a big smile on your face, but after the reality of the situation started to sink in a part of me felt like my life was over. I was going to be a full time working mom with twins and a toddler. I was never going to shower or eat a warm meal again. I know it's a little over the top. I just felt like I was never going to have a moment to myself again. I was never going to bake cookies or cupcake, take pictures, or shoot..surf the internet.  

Maybe I wasn't thankful enough. Maybe I didn't take enough time to really appreciate what was happening. I guess it's not a maybe. It's just the way it was. 

And it only makes it hurt more.

Breakin' at the cracks

"Breakin' At The Cracks"

I think you took my heart away when you said you're leaving
Cause' right now I am hurting all over again
And I never thought that I'd be in these places on this day
And now I don't know how much more that I can take

I'm breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo~ Love I need you back

I know that I'll get through this
The feeling is stronger somehow
I got my feet back on the ground
And I'm turning around
And I'll be everything you always said that I could be
If only you'll be waiting right here for me patiently

I'm breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo~ Love I need you back

Oh whenever would I take you back,
My heart was filled with love
And I wipe these tears and I will laugh
If only I could make it last

Breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo. Love I need you back
I need you back
I need you back
I need you back...

and then there was today...

Things are starting to come full circle already. We're starting to pass the 1 year milestones, conception (with the twins I know the exact day) and today--my birthday--the day I found out I was pregnant. These milestones are all bittersweet in their own ways. And it certainly gets me to thinking about how things will be next time.

If you’ve bothered to ask, you would know that we started trying again as soon as we were able—I think it was February. And, if you’ve bothered to ask, we’re still NOT pregnant. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t think I’m stressed which was always my answer before, and I’ve followed all my rules for getting pregnant, so I guess we’ll just have to wait until the time is right and hope that it just happens. I have decided that there will be no more pregnancy tests. I’m just going to figure it out. I’ll just get to a point where I will know. I’m sure a toilet will be involved.

So I know what you’re thinking. What if it happens again? I’m wondering the same thing too. Here’s the deal with stillbirth, the chance of having it happen again is greater than if it had never happened at all. Still I’m going to assume that next time there will be one baby and that we’re going to be pushing those odds close to zero and assume that the twins’ stillbirth was partly to due with the fact that they were twins.

Finding out you’re pregnant should be a happy time, but I know myself. As soon as I find out, I will be on high alert. Watching and waiting for something to go wrong, scared that something is wrong, even if there isn’t. Because there weren’t any signs before the twins stopped kicking- it just all came out of nowhere. I’m sure all those thoughts normal.

But I know I won’t be ready to verbally announce a name (or even talk to D about picking one), stock the nursery, or send out a Christmas card again until after the baby is born. I don’t want to jinx it—especially since last year's Christmas cards literally arrived in mailboxes the day the twins were born.

I’ll do my best to enjoy it and remind myself that now I know what uncertainty feels like and that I have more information than I had before (plus the doctors also know about my history now that I’ve had it happen).

But I’m not gonna lie. I’m going to be petrified. There will be lots of tears and sleepless nights I’m sure.

My doctor advised that she would probably induce me at 38 weeks next time, since late term stillbirths are the most common. I am NOT a fan of induction—all naturale baby, but I’m ok with that—this time. Anything for a healthy baby. A healthy, living, breathing baby.

And if you want to when that next time is, better stay tuned right here, because this will probably be the first public announcement. Next time I'm going to be a lot more cautious. I won't be announcing it at a mere 5 weeks like last time. I would like to wait as long as physically possible-- I don't know how long I’ll be able to wait, especially since I'm all good and stretched out now. But don't be surprised if I don't tell the entire world until we know the gender. I will have to write about it though--tell you how miserably sick I am and all...

Two things:

Does anyone have a better name for this blog? I need a good one.
Did I mention my cousin is having her twin boys today? Let's not talk about it. Seriously.

What if...

Now let me make this clear.

I would NEVER wish a stillbirth on ANYONE. Not even my worst enemy.

But with all the world waiting with anxious anticipation this birth of the royal baby, I just can't help but wonder what if...

Would it be a closet issue anymore?
Would people put more time, money and effort into figuring out the cause?
Would be able to make a dent in the statistics?

"Never Be Forgotten" Jessica Andrews

"Never Be Forgotten"

I’ll always see your face

The corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand
Or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But If hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

Olivianna-- JJ Heller

Hearts broke


When your heart stopped beating

I don't

Know if mine will ever stop bleeding



Eleven minutes

To breathe you in

I felt the darkness

When I knew I couldn't hold you again

When I knew I couldn't hold you again



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



Life is short but it is wide

I know it's true

You touched more souls

Than most people ever do



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



You could not stay with us

(You could not stay with us)

We will come to you

(We will come to you)

You could not stay with us

(You could not stay with us)



Oh oh oh oh

(You could not stay with us)

You're going home love

(We will come to you)

Where you belong

(You could not stay with us)

Oh my baby, girl

I'll see you soon



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



(You could not stay with us)

Olivianna,

(We will come to you)

You're in the arms of God

(You could not stay with us)

Just a moment there

(We will come)

Is better than here