Talk about it

I don't want to talk about it, because I don't want you to see me cry.
I want you to talk about it, because I am afraid you will forget.

Guilt

**I forgot I wrote a couple of posts, so that's why you're starting to see them again..time to click that publish button **

I do a lot of wishing I could turn back the clock. Maybe we can just rewind to October or so and do the rest of the year over again. Truth be told, I wasn't exactly over the moon excited about the prospect of having twins--well, I was when we first found out--you get that rush of adrenaline that just puts a big smile on your face, but after the reality of the situation started to sink in a part of me felt like my life was over. I was going to be a full time working mom with twins and a toddler. I was never going to shower or eat a warm meal again. I know it's a little over the top. I just felt like I was never going to have a moment to myself again. I was never going to bake cookies or cupcake, take pictures, or shoot..surf the internet.  

Maybe I wasn't thankful enough. Maybe I didn't take enough time to really appreciate what was happening. I guess it's not a maybe. It's just the way it was. 

And it only makes it hurt more.

"Never Be Forgotten" Jessica Andrews

"Never Be Forgotten"

I’ll always see your face

The corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand
Or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But If hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

Olivianna-- JJ Heller

Hearts broke


When your heart stopped beating

I don't

Know if mine will ever stop bleeding



Eleven minutes

To breathe you in

I felt the darkness

When I knew I couldn't hold you again

When I knew I couldn't hold you again



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



Life is short but it is wide

I know it's true

You touched more souls

Than most people ever do



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



You could not stay with us

(You could not stay with us)

We will come to you

(We will come to you)

You could not stay with us

(You could not stay with us)



Oh oh oh oh

(You could not stay with us)

You're going home love

(We will come to you)

Where you belong

(You could not stay with us)

Oh my baby, girl

I'll see you soon



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



(You could not stay with us)

Olivianna,

(We will come to you)

You're in the arms of God

(You could not stay with us)

Just a moment there

(We will come)

Is better than here

Who You Are

Who You Are

Words and Music by Dave and JJ Heller


All she wanted was a baby to hold

She’s still waiting at 41 years old

Her life feels like a tragedy

And it’s driving her down to her knees



She says, “I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are”



It was after midnight when he answered the phone

The doctor said his daughter was never coming home

Sometimes life doesn’t make any sense

Full of war and pain and accidents



He’s praying, “I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are”



You have a father’s heart

And a love that’s wild

And you know what it’s like to lose

Yeah, you know what it’s like

What it’s like to lose a child



Sometimes I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

I don’t know, I don’t know

Sometimes I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are

Twin-morbilia

Does that sound corny? Probably. Anyway. Today is Ben and Eli's due date. Which means it has been 3 months already since they were born at 6 and a half months. So I thought I would take some time today to highlight some of the gifts we have been given as a way to remember them..not that we will forget, but you know.

This blanket was actually given to us from our doctor's office. I love the saying on it.

My sister bought me this necklace. I wear it almost every day.

Dusten's aunt bought these bracelets for most of the family members and handed them out at the funeral. I love it. Wear it every day.

These twin figurines are from Willow Tree, so they match the rest of my collection. They are currently residing in our bedroom..next to a (really old) picture of Dusten and I.

This wind chime was given to us by the grief counselor at the hospital. I love the sweet little sounds it makes. It is actually hanging above the air vent so usually in the morning I can hear it chiming as the house warms up.

These are the flowers I dried from the funeral. I hung them in the basement and they are still there. I don't really know what to do with them now, but I do like seeing them every day when I get ready for work.

That's all for today.

Holding it all in

I'm a strong person. Too strong probably. I don't like to cry and I am darn good and being a realist. Here is what I spend a lot of time telling myself.

-There is nothing that is going to change the reality of the situation. So let's just accept it and move on.
-No amount of crying will bring them back.

-No amount of wishing we could turn back the clock will actually work.


These are the things I tell myself to make myself feel better about the situation.
I don't like to cry. I don't know why really or how it came about. Maybe it's just the vulnerability that scares me. For as long as I can remember my crying has always been done in the shower. I just don't like anyone else to know about it, I guess. But maybe that has made holding it in all the more difficult. Now whenever the urge strikes me it stays there until I let it out. Sometimes this means being on the edge of tears for an entire day. (If you say something to me on one of these days, I apologize in advance) If something gets me started now, I suffer until I let it out. But suffer I do, because I'm too strong to let it out.

Lacking..

Posts here have been lacking, not because of a lack of things to say, but because of a lack of time to think and type...mostly doing both at the same time.

I'll try to get back to you when I have something good. That's actually on a screen and not just floating in my head.

Wondering

I just keep wondering…should it have been today, tomorrow, yesterday, last week? When would my babies have been born if they hadn’t died? I should be 37 weeks pregnant or holding two babies. But I am neither. I am all things empty.

Why is it that there is a term for to describe someone who has lost a spouse, but no term to describe someone who has lost a child?

Children's Footprints

Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little large;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
--Doreen Sexton

Worn- 10th Avenue North

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Chris Daughtry- Gone too Soon

"Gone Too Soon"

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

"The Hurt & The Healer" --Mercy Me

Why?

The question that is never far away

The healing doesn’t come from the explained

Jesus please don’t let this go in vain

You’re all I have

All that remains



So here I am

What’s left of me

Where glory meets my suffering



I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide



Breathe

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through



So here I am

What’s left of me

Where glory meets my suffering



I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide



It’s the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all our scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of the weakness we must bow

And hear You say “It’s over now”



I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide



Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]



Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little, they let him go


They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling



Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us



Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive



This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held



This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow



This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive



This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held



If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait for one hour

Watching for our Savior



This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive



This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

Need You Now- Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell


And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

So, I guess you're tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here



How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.



Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise



How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.



Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take



How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?



How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.



I need you now

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

I need you now

When the Wind Blows- Point of Grace

Night turns to daylight


And things are quite the same

You wake up and make up

Another day's routine


Then the sun begins to shine

As if the face of God, were near

And a trumpet sound is played

As if all the world could hear



That's the day when the wind blows

That's the day when the earth begins to move

When the lion and the lamb

Start walking two by two

That's the day when the wind blows

When the sky is torn in two

And the Lord of Lords in all His glory

Comes for you

When the wind blows


When the wind blows

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

Beside you, behind you

Believers on their knees

And somehow you know now

Everyone you see



So hand-in-hand you fly away
To meet Him in the sky

This Man that you have dreamed about

He's right before your eyes


That's the day when the wind blows

That's the day when the earth begins to move

When the lion and the lamb

Start walking two by two

That's the day when the wind blows

When the sky is torn in two

And the Lord of Lords in all His glory

Comes for you

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

That's the day when the wind blows

When the earth begins to move

When the lion and the lamb

Start walking two by two

When the wind blows

When the sky is torn in two

And the Lord of Lords in all His glory

Comes for you

When the wind blows

The day the world stopped spinning..one month ago

This is Ben and Eli's story. We miss them so much. Every day is so painful, though a few have been easier than others. Sometimes I feel like it's a nightmare that I will wake up from, and still be pregnant with my little angels.I know that it will never be easy and the hurt will never go away. I just pray for days when it isn't as hard.

It's hard to believe that it has already been one month. One month since our world got turned upside down. In so many ways it still feels like yesterday. Every day I wish we could just rewind to when things were fine. Maybe things would end differently. As part of a way to remember them, I decided to write their birth story.

Here is what happened in a factual--hopefully not emotional way. Because I hate crying--and it has been happening a lot.

Between December 10th and 12th was the first time I thought that something might be wrong. I was feeling what I believed to be less movement by the twins. I am a pretty paranoid person, so I tried not to worry about it too much. I figured it was probably nothing and likely all in my head. Nothing else notable happened until Monday the 17th. I just felt really weird that day. I didn't feel sick or have any symptoms of anything, I just felt different, and I told Dusten that I thought I was losing my mind. I came home from work and took a nap. It didn't help me feel much better, but I was rested. When I woke up I had some contractions for about half an hour while I was preparing dinner. Dusten suggested I call the doctor, but there was nothing to tell them. I just felt different.

The next morning I could not deal with it any longer and I called the MFM specialist I had been seeing in Castleton. This was because a) I had an appointment there on Thursday and wanted to see if I could just bump it to that day and b) she is much closer than my Dr in Anderson..while I am at work that is. They couldn't get me in, but said I should call my OB. So I did. They were able to get me in at the end of the day, which is perfect for my work schedule, so I went ahead and made the appointment. The twins were generally very active in the morning. I used to take my laptop with me and sit in the Starbucks parking lot for 20 minutes in the morning to get my facebook fix. They are normally bouncing all over the place. On Tuesday morning there was nothing. And it continued like this the whole day. The only thing I did feel was pressure-- like the pushing of a head or butt against me. (Turns out those were contractions). I tried not to let this get the better of me. A quick google search showed that it was normal for many other people to go 24-48 hours without feeling anything when their kiddos got tired and decided to take a break. But by the end of work on Tuesday I had not felt a single kick. I had advised Dusten that I made the appointment and he was off work that day, so he met me at the office. He has only been to one other appointment with me --when we found out they were boys at 13 weeks... but I was so glad he was there. We sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. It was probably 30 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. When it was finally our turn, we went in for an ultrasound. This was meant to be a quick one, just to make sure that the babies were ok, afterall, I was meeting with my MFM for a full ultrasound on Thursday.

No amount of paranoia prepared me for what she said after less than 20 seconds. "I don't see a heartbeat for either one of them."

*Silence*

Dusten and I didn't even look at each other. We couldn't. I didn't even understand what that meant. They were still in there, couldn't they just fix it? What does this mean? She immediately left to get the Dr. When she came in our eyes were glazed over and we were in total shock. She said that she was sorry, but that we would need to deliver them as soon as possible to prevent any complications for me. She advised us to go over to the hospital to be admitted. I walked out of the office looking at the floor to ensure that I would not have to make eye contact with anyone. As soon as we exited the office our "fight our flight" instincts took effect and we made the necessary 'business phone calls'. I called work to say, "I'm going to need the rest of the week off," while fighting back the tears. I called my boss because there was no way I could call my mom yet. Dusten called his mom to see if she could pick up Caroline from daycare. She knew I had an appointment that afternoon, so naturally she asked what was going on. Dusten was fighting back the tears too, so he said he didn't want to talk about it now.

Neither of us lost it until we got in the elevator. I don't think we even said anything to each other until we got to the hospital room. We had another meltdown there until the nurse came in with a gown and things started to happen. I finally called my mom and told her what happened. I have no idea what I even said to her, and I can assure you I put no thought into it ahead of time. All I remember is my mom wailing. It's only funny because I couldn't tell at first if she was laughing or crying. She was crying for sure. They had plans for two parties that evening, so I felt bad to ruin their night, but she said she was on her way. I didn't know who she was going to be coming with, but she was so upset about the whole thing I did not want her on the roads. My mom and dad did arrive safely with my father behind the wheel. I can only imagine how long of a drive that was.

I changed into my gown. Someone came in and took 7 vials of my blood to test and see if anything was abnormal that could have caused this to happen. They took all my vitals. The doctor showed up a few minutes later to check me and said only that my cervix was already soft (generally this isn't great news at 26 weeks). She said they would give me a drug called Cytotec to help soften my cervix and start contractions. It could take 18-24 hours to work. I think my jaw probably dropped. I just wanted this nightmare to be over as soon as possible. I ordered dinner since I was already starving and knew that I would not be allowed to eat anything once labor started. My sister arrived (after finally finding the right hospital) and so did a lot of other people. I'm not sure how some of the people who showed up at the hospital knew I was there, but they did, and they came. I was glad to not be alone. I didn't know what to say, and all I could do was sit there. Laughter is the best medicine, and it's the only thing I know to do when things get awkward and uncomfortable, so I just made jokes. I am sure there were many eye rolls about this, but it's just how I deal. I can also assure you that I did not fully understand the impact of this event on my life until after the twins were delivered. I probably still don't.

They gave me the Cytotec at about 7:30 PM. I tried to get some rest while I could. The nurses had informed me that they would be checking my vitals every 4 hours. I figured I would probably be up most of the night. I didn't start having contractions until about 11:30 PM. They were pretty light and I was able to rest through them anyway. They gave me the second dose of Cytotec at 1 AM. Then things really started moving. At 1:30 AM my contractions increased in intensity and were about a minute and a half apart. When my body labors, it labors. It's no joke. I will probably have my next baby in my car on the way to the hospital. At about 3:30AM it got painful enough that I got some morphine. No, this not normally what you would give someone in labor, but in this case there was no risk to the babies, so I could have whatever I wanted. I think they only gave me 5 mg. That was just enough to take the edge off. The next couple hours are a big blur. They were checking me every half hour, but I didn't start making any progress until 4 AM. I was 2 cm. I was thinking this was going to take forever. At 4:30 I was 5 cm. Then things got really painful. I got more morphine at 4:30 and the nurse called the Dr. to come get ready for the delivery. She didn't check me again, but said I was probably complete. Based on my last delivery once I started to dialate, things happen quickly. The trend generally continues. The Dr got there shortly after 5:00 AM. The nurse woke Dusten up and told him it was time. There was a lot more pushing involved this time it seemed. Both babies were breech and that was uncomfortable coming out, not to mention painful. Did I mention I had no meds at this time? I could feel everything. Even though they were small, I could still feel it--a lot.

Baby Ben was born at 5:36 AM. He weighed 2 lbs.

Baby Eli was born at 5:45 AM. He weighed 1 lb 11oz.

The good part was that I felt physically perfect after the twins were born. The first thing I wanted to do was take a shower. They wouldn't let me for an hour, but even after I did, I felt fine. I had so much pain after Caroline was born, that this seemed like a breeze.

I didn't look at the twins for most of the morning. I knew we would start crying again, and I wanted to at least get breakfast down first. We both thought we would get some time alone with them in the morning, and try to take a nap, but time went by so fast and people started to arrive. Both sets of our parents were there, my sister, and our minister all came back in the morning. It wasn't until our grief counselor came in with the photographer that Dusten and I took time looking at them. And then the tears came out of all of us.

Moving on...

We have been immensly blessed with love support and prayers from our friends and family. We are so grateful for that. While the pain and shock for those outside our close circle leaves quickly, it will stay with us forever. We appreciate your continued prayers.

When I said I wanted a natural delivery, I didn't mean like this.
When I said I wanted all my babies born in even years, I didn't mean this.
When I said I wanted a fast labor I didn't mean this.

Before and After

"Before" was a time of planning, hoping, dreaming and lots of wonders about the future. How were we going to afford childcare for three kids? How were we going to fit them into our car?! Generally everything  you need to know about pregnancy can be read in a book, online or talked about with your friends. I read many books when I was pregnant with Caroline. Less this time around, because so few pregnancy books focus solely on twins--and honestly there isn't much difference. Still the advice is overwhelming. But nowhere was there any mention of all the things that could go wrong. Sure, the chance of miscarriage was significantly higher in the first trimester. But wasn't it supposed to be all unicorns and rainbows after that? The next two trimesters were easy once the morning sickness faded and the preparations for the babies began. And then, near the very end, when the babies were so close I could picture them in their crib and holding them in my arms the unthinkable happens. The one thing I didn't read about in any book, website or talk about with any friends, just as it happened to me--as it happens to thousands of families every year. The babies died before they were even born, and all our hopes and dreams came crashing to the ground. 

There are no guide books for this. Nothing prepared me for how rough some days are. Despite what anyone says about the stages of grief, sorrow is not a simple set of steps that you follow and check of your list. It is a long and winding road. A road with hills and valleys. There are no road signs along the way. The path ahead is slippery, curvy and covered in ice. It does not have an end. 

In life "After", none of the books I read "before" matter. Nothing could have prepared me for the moment I learned my babies were dead before they even had a chance to live. No one told me how it would feel following the death of my babies. No one told me what it would feel like to write an obituary or pick out a headstone. No one told me what it would feel like to say goodbye when we hadn't even said hello. No one told me how it would feel the next time someone I knew had twin boys. No one told me how exhausting it is to cry. No one told me how hard it is to move on.

We have joined a very sad and secretive club. Before we became members we didn't even know it existed. In the days following the death of our sons people we have known for what seems like ages came out of the woodwork to tell us about the children that they have lost. Many others have survived this horrifying ordeal and one day we will wake up and realize that we are surviving too. 

There are many more things that no one was there to tell us. Once the condolences stopped, the mailbox was no longer full of sympathy cards, and the rest of the world returned to normal, people began to glance my way-- judging my pain by appearance alone. Some told me they know how I feel, when I am certain they do not have a clue. Others are afraid to say anything and hope that I won't notice, when what I long for is them to say something, to ask me how I am and say my children's names--because they had names and faces and little baby toes.

And now we know…we know what to say to those who will follow after us. We will never share this wisdom beforehand, while they are glowing with pregnancy awaiting their little miracles. Now I am the angel of death to those who know our story, and in the glow of their happiness I will think, "It could still all go wrong." Most of the time it won't go wrong for them. Then I will wonder Why me? Why did it have to be me? Why does it have to be anyone? 

Cover Me- FFH

I didn't see this coming


It hit like a big surprise

Like a thief in the night

Stealing away my sunshine

Now I'm crawling on my hands and knees

Looking for the light

It hit me from the blind side

Now I don't know what to do

It hit me from the blind side

I cry out to You

I don't have any answers

Your ways are higher

Your love is stronger

And through this pain

You'll cover me

Your grace is greater

When there are no answers

And through this pain

You'll cover me

And through this pain

You'll cover me

I never thought this could happen

I'm living in my own nightmare

Are You even there?

Hanging on by a thread now

I'm begging for the pain to end

Will it ever end?

It hit me from the blind side

It's getting hard to breathe

It hit me from the blind side

The hurt, it feels so deep

And I don't have any answers

Now each night seems so long

I don't think I'm this strong

How many times can I ask why?

I can't believe this is real

Only You- FFH

You came


Like a criminal in the night

You stole my heart

Right out from under me

It happened so suddenly

I'm living in a fantasy

If only just to see



You smile

And everything comes alive

I don't know how I ever

Survived without you

Bringing out the kid in me

Now I'm resigned to

Say it's



Only you

You and only you

You and only you

Can take this heart

(From: http://www.elyrics.net)

And make it new

You and only you



I try

To make something of my day

But I hopelessly drift away

To the place where

We can be alone again

I'll never be the same again

All because of



Well I may not be

Able to find

Able to find the words to say

To tell you how I feel

About the way you make me feel

But I'll try this way