Who You Are

Who You Are

Words and Music by Dave and JJ Heller


All she wanted was a baby to hold

She’s still waiting at 41 years old

Her life feels like a tragedy

And it’s driving her down to her knees



She says, “I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are”



It was after midnight when he answered the phone

The doctor said his daughter was never coming home

Sometimes life doesn’t make any sense

Full of war and pain and accidents



He’s praying, “I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are”



You have a father’s heart

And a love that’s wild

And you know what it’s like to lose

Yeah, you know what it’s like

What it’s like to lose a child



Sometimes I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

I don’t know, I don’t know

Sometimes I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are

Twin-morbilia

Does that sound corny? Probably. Anyway. Today is Ben and Eli's due date. Which means it has been 3 months already since they were born at 6 and a half months. So I thought I would take some time today to highlight some of the gifts we have been given as a way to remember them..not that we will forget, but you know.

This blanket was actually given to us from our doctor's office. I love the saying on it.

My sister bought me this necklace. I wear it almost every day.

Dusten's aunt bought these bracelets for most of the family members and handed them out at the funeral. I love it. Wear it every day.

These twin figurines are from Willow Tree, so they match the rest of my collection. They are currently residing in our bedroom..next to a (really old) picture of Dusten and I.

This wind chime was given to us by the grief counselor at the hospital. I love the sweet little sounds it makes. It is actually hanging above the air vent so usually in the morning I can hear it chiming as the house warms up.

These are the flowers I dried from the funeral. I hung them in the basement and they are still there. I don't really know what to do with them now, but I do like seeing them every day when I get ready for work.

That's all for today.

Holding it all in

I'm a strong person. Too strong probably. I don't like to cry and I am darn good and being a realist. Here is what I spend a lot of time telling myself.

-There is nothing that is going to change the reality of the situation. So let's just accept it and move on.
-No amount of crying will bring them back.

-No amount of wishing we could turn back the clock will actually work.


These are the things I tell myself to make myself feel better about the situation.
I don't like to cry. I don't know why really or how it came about. Maybe it's just the vulnerability that scares me. For as long as I can remember my crying has always been done in the shower. I just don't like anyone else to know about it, I guess. But maybe that has made holding it in all the more difficult. Now whenever the urge strikes me it stays there until I let it out. Sometimes this means being on the edge of tears for an entire day. (If you say something to me on one of these days, I apologize in advance) If something gets me started now, I suffer until I let it out. But suffer I do, because I'm too strong to let it out.

Lacking..

Posts here have been lacking, not because of a lack of things to say, but because of a lack of time to think and type...mostly doing both at the same time.

I'll try to get back to you when I have something good. That's actually on a screen and not just floating in my head.

Wondering

I just keep wondering…should it have been today, tomorrow, yesterday, last week? When would my babies have been born if they hadn’t died? I should be 37 weeks pregnant or holding two babies. But I am neither. I am all things empty.

Why is it that there is a term for to describe someone who has lost a spouse, but no term to describe someone who has lost a child?

Children's Footprints

Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little large;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
--Doreen Sexton

Worn- 10th Avenue North

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn