Talk about it

I don't want to talk about it, because I don't want you to see me cry.
I want you to talk about it, because I am afraid you will forget.

Guilt

**I forgot I wrote a couple of posts, so that's why you're starting to see them again..time to click that publish button **

I do a lot of wishing I could turn back the clock. Maybe we can just rewind to October or so and do the rest of the year over again. Truth be told, I wasn't exactly over the moon excited about the prospect of having twins--well, I was when we first found out--you get that rush of adrenaline that just puts a big smile on your face, but after the reality of the situation started to sink in a part of me felt like my life was over. I was going to be a full time working mom with twins and a toddler. I was never going to shower or eat a warm meal again. I know it's a little over the top. I just felt like I was never going to have a moment to myself again. I was never going to bake cookies or cupcake, take pictures, or shoot..surf the internet.  

Maybe I wasn't thankful enough. Maybe I didn't take enough time to really appreciate what was happening. I guess it's not a maybe. It's just the way it was. 

And it only makes it hurt more.

Breakin' at the cracks

"Breakin' At The Cracks"

I think you took my heart away when you said you're leaving
Cause' right now I am hurting all over again
And I never thought that I'd be in these places on this day
And now I don't know how much more that I can take

I'm breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo~ Love I need you back

I know that I'll get through this
The feeling is stronger somehow
I got my feet back on the ground
And I'm turning around
And I'll be everything you always said that I could be
If only you'll be waiting right here for me patiently

I'm breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo~ Love I need you back

Oh whenever would I take you back,
My heart was filled with love
And I wipe these tears and I will laugh
If only I could make it last

Breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It's another heart attack
And I can't handle that
Woo. Love I need you back
I need you back
I need you back
I need you back...

and then there was today...

Things are starting to come full circle already. We're starting to pass the 1 year milestones, conception (with the twins I know the exact day) and today--my birthday--the day I found out I was pregnant. These milestones are all bittersweet in their own ways. And it certainly gets me to thinking about how things will be next time.

If you’ve bothered to ask, you would know that we started trying again as soon as we were able—I think it was February. And, if you’ve bothered to ask, we’re still NOT pregnant. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t think I’m stressed which was always my answer before, and I’ve followed all my rules for getting pregnant, so I guess we’ll just have to wait until the time is right and hope that it just happens. I have decided that there will be no more pregnancy tests. I’m just going to figure it out. I’ll just get to a point where I will know. I’m sure a toilet will be involved.

So I know what you’re thinking. What if it happens again? I’m wondering the same thing too. Here’s the deal with stillbirth, the chance of having it happen again is greater than if it had never happened at all. Still I’m going to assume that next time there will be one baby and that we’re going to be pushing those odds close to zero and assume that the twins’ stillbirth was partly to due with the fact that they were twins.

Finding out you’re pregnant should be a happy time, but I know myself. As soon as I find out, I will be on high alert. Watching and waiting for something to go wrong, scared that something is wrong, even if there isn’t. Because there weren’t any signs before the twins stopped kicking- it just all came out of nowhere. I’m sure all those thoughts normal.

But I know I won’t be ready to verbally announce a name (or even talk to D about picking one), stock the nursery, or send out a Christmas card again until after the baby is born. I don’t want to jinx it—especially since last year's Christmas cards literally arrived in mailboxes the day the twins were born.

I’ll do my best to enjoy it and remind myself that now I know what uncertainty feels like and that I have more information than I had before (plus the doctors also know about my history now that I’ve had it happen).

But I’m not gonna lie. I’m going to be petrified. There will be lots of tears and sleepless nights I’m sure.

My doctor advised that she would probably induce me at 38 weeks next time, since late term stillbirths are the most common. I am NOT a fan of induction—all naturale baby, but I’m ok with that—this time. Anything for a healthy baby. A healthy, living, breathing baby.

And if you want to when that next time is, better stay tuned right here, because this will probably be the first public announcement. Next time I'm going to be a lot more cautious. I won't be announcing it at a mere 5 weeks like last time. I would like to wait as long as physically possible-- I don't know how long I’ll be able to wait, especially since I'm all good and stretched out now. But don't be surprised if I don't tell the entire world until we know the gender. I will have to write about it though--tell you how miserably sick I am and all...

Two things:

Does anyone have a better name for this blog? I need a good one.
Did I mention my cousin is having her twin boys today? Let's not talk about it. Seriously.

What if...

Now let me make this clear.

I would NEVER wish a stillbirth on ANYONE. Not even my worst enemy.

But with all the world waiting with anxious anticipation this birth of the royal baby, I just can't help but wonder what if...

Would it be a closet issue anymore?
Would people put more time, money and effort into figuring out the cause?
Would be able to make a dent in the statistics?

"Never Be Forgotten" Jessica Andrews

"Never Be Forgotten"

I’ll always see your face

The corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know
Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand
Or look into your eyes
And when I talk to you
It just echoes in my mind
But If hearts are made of dust
And if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by
But what is time but just a dream
Oh I still feel you here with me
You’re more than a memory
Oh you will never be forgotten

Olivianna-- JJ Heller

Hearts broke


When your heart stopped beating

I don't

Know if mine will ever stop bleeding



Eleven minutes

To breathe you in

I felt the darkness

When I knew I couldn't hold you again

When I knew I couldn't hold you again



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



Life is short but it is wide

I know it's true

You touched more souls

Than most people ever do



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



You could not stay with us

(You could not stay with us)

We will come to you

(We will come to you)

You could not stay with us

(You could not stay with us)



Oh oh oh oh

(You could not stay with us)

You're going home love

(We will come to you)

Where you belong

(You could not stay with us)

Oh my baby, girl

I'll see you soon



Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here



(You could not stay with us)

Olivianna,

(We will come to you)

You're in the arms of God

(You could not stay with us)

Just a moment there

(We will come)

Is better than here

Who You Are

Who You Are

Words and Music by Dave and JJ Heller


All she wanted was a baby to hold

She’s still waiting at 41 years old

Her life feels like a tragedy

And it’s driving her down to her knees



She says, “I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are”



It was after midnight when he answered the phone

The doctor said his daughter was never coming home

Sometimes life doesn’t make any sense

Full of war and pain and accidents



He’s praying, “I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are”



You have a father’s heart

And a love that’s wild

And you know what it’s like to lose

Yeah, you know what it’s like

What it’s like to lose a child



Sometimes I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

I don’t know, I don’t know

Sometimes I don’t know

I don’t know what you’re doing

But I know who you are

Twin-morbilia

Does that sound corny? Probably. Anyway. Today is Ben and Eli's due date. Which means it has been 3 months already since they were born at 6 and a half months. So I thought I would take some time today to highlight some of the gifts we have been given as a way to remember them..not that we will forget, but you know.

This blanket was actually given to us from our doctor's office. I love the saying on it.

My sister bought me this necklace. I wear it almost every day.

Dusten's aunt bought these bracelets for most of the family members and handed them out at the funeral. I love it. Wear it every day.

These twin figurines are from Willow Tree, so they match the rest of my collection. They are currently residing in our bedroom..next to a (really old) picture of Dusten and I.

This wind chime was given to us by the grief counselor at the hospital. I love the sweet little sounds it makes. It is actually hanging above the air vent so usually in the morning I can hear it chiming as the house warms up.

These are the flowers I dried from the funeral. I hung them in the basement and they are still there. I don't really know what to do with them now, but I do like seeing them every day when I get ready for work.

That's all for today.

Holding it all in

I'm a strong person. Too strong probably. I don't like to cry and I am darn good and being a realist. Here is what I spend a lot of time telling myself.

-There is nothing that is going to change the reality of the situation. So let's just accept it and move on.
-No amount of crying will bring them back.

-No amount of wishing we could turn back the clock will actually work.


These are the things I tell myself to make myself feel better about the situation.
I don't like to cry. I don't know why really or how it came about. Maybe it's just the vulnerability that scares me. For as long as I can remember my crying has always been done in the shower. I just don't like anyone else to know about it, I guess. But maybe that has made holding it in all the more difficult. Now whenever the urge strikes me it stays there until I let it out. Sometimes this means being on the edge of tears for an entire day. (If you say something to me on one of these days, I apologize in advance) If something gets me started now, I suffer until I let it out. But suffer I do, because I'm too strong to let it out.

Lacking..

Posts here have been lacking, not because of a lack of things to say, but because of a lack of time to think and type...mostly doing both at the same time.

I'll try to get back to you when I have something good. That's actually on a screen and not just floating in my head.

Wondering

I just keep wondering…should it have been today, tomorrow, yesterday, last week? When would my babies have been born if they hadn’t died? I should be 37 weeks pregnant or holding two babies. But I am neither. I am all things empty.

Why is it that there is a term for to describe someone who has lost a spouse, but no term to describe someone who has lost a child?

Children's Footprints

Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small;
Some a little large;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
--Doreen Sexton

Worn- 10th Avenue North

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Nesting..

This must be the nesting stage I missed. Last night I made Caroline’s bed (not an easy task at all). I folded two baskets of laundry and put it away. I put away all the 2T clothes out of Caroline’s closet…Note: There were tons of 2T clothes in there, and the kid is already moving into 4T. It’s no wonder I was running out of hangers. I guess that task was a little over due.

The boys' clothes are still hanging the closet and folded in the drawers. Not because I can't bear to take them out, but because if I take them out, you know what will happen. Plus, if I put all their clothes away then Caroline's stuff will start to take over again...and I don't want to have to clean it all out next time a baby is on the way.

On top of making dinner and washing, drying and putting away the dishes, I also ground the hamburger for dinner tonight, ran the vacuum, retrieved the lid to Caroline’s toothpaste that had fallen under the bathroom vanity (a month ago-this kid has a mind like a steel trap) and organized some of Caroline’s craft supplies. There has to be a better way for us to store thousands of stickers, crayons, colored pencils and markers. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet.

When I got home from work I was exhausted. I vote Super Bowl Monday should be a two hour delay for the whole country. But the house just felt like it was a mess (mostly because of the laundry) and if I didn’t put the stuff away it wasn’t going to get done. Once I got started, things just couldn't stop. It feels good getting into bed at night (regardless of the time) when I feel like I have actually accomplished something. Now I am thinking about reorganizing the pantry and a couple of the cabinets. I just haven’t decided how I want to do it yet.

I’m thinking about doing something like this for my spices in my lower cabinet and moving the boxed food items that are there now to the pantry. I keep going to the pantry and just looking around. We have a lot of space in there, I’m just not sure how to use it to the best of its abilities.

I think the lazy susan would be good for some of the baking supplies. Good news is that there are some pretty good choices on Amazon that don’t cost an arm and a leg. Maybe this will be my weekend project? Who wants to come help me?

Chris Daughtry- Gone too Soon

"Gone Too Soon"

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.

Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

"The Hurt & The Healer" --Mercy Me

Why?

The question that is never far away

The healing doesn’t come from the explained

Jesus please don’t let this go in vain

You’re all I have

All that remains



So here I am

What’s left of me

Where glory meets my suffering



I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide



Breathe

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through



So here I am

What’s left of me

Where glory meets my suffering



I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide



It’s the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all our scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of the weakness we must bow

And hear You say “It’s over now”



I’m alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I’ve fallen into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide



Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]



Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little, they let him go


They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling



Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us



Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive



This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held



This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow



This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive



This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held



If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait for one hour

Watching for our Savior



This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive



This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

Need You Now- Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell


And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

So, I guess you're tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here



How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.



Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise



How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.



Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take



How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?



How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.



I need you now

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

I need you now

When the Wind Blows- Point of Grace

Night turns to daylight


And things are quite the same

You wake up and make up

Another day's routine


Then the sun begins to shine

As if the face of God, were near

And a trumpet sound is played

As if all the world could hear



That's the day when the wind blows

That's the day when the earth begins to move

When the lion and the lamb

Start walking two by two

That's the day when the wind blows

When the sky is torn in two

And the Lord of Lords in all His glory

Comes for you

When the wind blows


When the wind blows

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

Beside you, behind you

Believers on their knees

And somehow you know now

Everyone you see



So hand-in-hand you fly away
To meet Him in the sky

This Man that you have dreamed about

He's right before your eyes


That's the day when the wind blows

That's the day when the earth begins to move

When the lion and the lamb

Start walking two by two

That's the day when the wind blows

When the sky is torn in two

And the Lord of Lords in all His glory

Comes for you

When the wind blows

When the wind blows

That's the day when the wind blows

When the earth begins to move

When the lion and the lamb

Start walking two by two

When the wind blows

When the sky is torn in two

And the Lord of Lords in all His glory

Comes for you

When the wind blows